"**some of this is random
I'm a nudge, I don't care. I took a minute and thought about what you sent me and I understand. It makes sense. It made sense before and it still does now. But I stand by what I said, I will not lose you. I was talking to Kim(alicia's mom) about it because I was there when I got your email and she said that I need to give you your space, and I'm all for that; as we've talked about before. However, like I previously stated I think you should have told me about this prior to ignoring me for four days and scaring the shit out of me. In light of this situation and a few major things in my life you've missed out on (probably for the better) recently I'm heading back into therapy to work on myself.
On another note, I do love you to death and once you start talking to me again(which I would like to be sooner rather than later so that I can understand a little bit more of what happened)I would like to plan a time for me to come and visit you. I know that at the present that can and more likely than not, does seem ridiculous and a bit overwhelming, but I think it's what needs to happen. Also, since I'm (repeating again) not going to lose you under any circumstances what so ever, because I would go to the edge of the earth for you, and have been thinking about talking to you about this for quite some time but never have had the balls to say anything; I'd like to make a few visits every now and again because when you break it down it's not that expensive for me if I drive (which, like I've stated in previous emails, is totally okay). But I know that planning these things right now isn't sensible.
I may be a little bit more invested in this than you right now, and I understand that. But we do need to clear a lot up once you're ready to talk to me again. I know you're doing what is best for you right now, and I'm so glad you are because you know I want you to be happy more than anything.
Basically what this was is just me saying that I'm here to support you no matter what and that I think once we're talking again we need to plan a time for me to come up and visit you. You're my best friend and I love you with everything that I have, you're the best person I've ever met and you deserve more than anyone I've ever met to be happy with yourself. We're stuck between a rock and a hard place right now but I care about you, and I know you care about me too. Take care of yourself Lucas, keep me updated. Don't go too long without talking to me though please, I want to be there for you. Literally, figuratively, all of the above. I love you for who you are, however you're feeling, however you're acting, however far you are, I love you through it all.
Kisses, talk to you soon Please be careful, no more injuries either.
I love you, I can't stress that enough. I love you."
And that is what I said to you. I guess I just have to wait another week to hear back from you. COOL.
"I'm sorry, I feel really bad about not talking to you. I went to see the psych and she said that I need to stop worrying about other people so I can worry about myself. She said that I need to be happy with myself first. Basically everything I already knew. But she also said having a long distance relationship with you is a very bad idea right now because it's very stressful for me. I'm not supposed to talk to you for another week or so but I felt really guilty hence this email. I'm not saying we can't talk or anything like that. But I'm pretty much being forced by parents etc to do what the doc recommends and right now that means taking care of myself first. I know it sucks."
That's what you sent me.
What does that mean? Are we together? Are we not? I'm confused. But it's essentially what I expected.
I'm going over Alicia's and I'm going to sit at the kitchen table with Kim and talk to her because I feel like I have nowhere else to turn and I'm getting dangerously close to doing it.
Flipping it back and forth in my hand, letting it press violently into my palm. Not drawing blood, just feeling the danger of it, knowing what it could do. I want to, I'm craving it. My wrists are aching. I know it would only take a second, all I have to do is push and drag. It would be a release like nothing I've felt in years, followed by immense guilt causing me to do it again. I don't want to, but I do.
It's really hard to refrain from doing it, I'm thinking one tiny little scrape will be alright. But I know that's not true.
This is fucking ridiculous I'm losing my mind. I love you, you tell me you love me. But what the hell Luke? Way to ignore me for 4-5 days so far, really, that's a great way to show you care.
Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Why are you doing this?
I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again and I'm just not getting any answers. At this point I just don't even know if you're going to talk to me at all again. I guess you're just tired of me or something.
I'm paranoid. This paranoia stems from being ignored. I want to cut so badly. I'm scared that I'll cave in. I need you so much right now and I have for the past few days and you're just not around for me at all.
I literally can't be alone. I woke up this morning and left my house right away and went to my moms friends so I could be around people. I just came home and it's like the second I'm alone I start to freak out. I want to so badly, it's right under my mattress and it would be so easy. I'm lonely, scared, worried, upset, angry, every negative adjective you could think of..that's how I'm feeling. It's not fun. Last night was bad. Up until 4am last night crying, rocking back and forth, and scratching up my arms and legs to avoid doing the unforgivable. Last night was the worst it's been so far. Last night was your fault. I never thought I would place blame for something like that on you, but there it is. You just threw me away like a piece of garbage, you of all people. Do I have a boyfriend right now? I don't even know. If I say yes, do I sound stupid? I can't even talk to anyone about this because it's embarrassing to admit that you're showing absolutely no sign that you acknowledge my existence at all. I've begged and pleaded for about 4 days now for you to respond to me somehow, get in touch with me somehow. Nothing. I'm not going to beg anymore, I'm not going to lower myself to that place anymore. I love you to death but what you're doing to me and putting me through right now is completely unfair.
So now that I'm sitting here completely freaking out again I'm scratching my arms, squeezing at my throat, and slamming against the wall. What the fuck is happening to me. I haven't been this way since he-who-must-not-be-named did what he did. That was of course a thousand times worse, but still. I'm scared.
Fuck you, you know. Just fuck you. I wouldn't usually say that to you but this is the right time. Fuck you. You don't have any fucking idea what you're doing to me and it's just fucking ridiculous and completely careless.
Do you even care? FUCK.