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October 11th, 2011

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I thought about you the other day. The Bills were playing the Eagles..and the Bills won. I'm only slightly bitter about that, ha. But no really, I hope that you're doing well in life. I think you'd be proud of the choices I'm making now. If not a little upset that I'm joining the Navy..but other than that, I think you'd be proud. Forever thankful that you helped mold me into the person that I am today.

Mainly though, I miss Joey. I miss my friend, I don't have a rock to lean on anymore. First I lost Lucas and that was hard, that was really hard, and a few days later I lost Joey. I have a few really good friends right now, and Jordan is becoming a really great rock to lean on but my lord, Joe was that one person that I knew would always be there for me no matter what, and he's just not. I know I deserve it, I know I caused this, but damn. I told Jordan that he's honorary best friend now until someone refills the position, but I think he's actually taking the place for good. I've known him since 6th grade but we've only really just started getting to know each other. He's a nice guy, he's funny. He's just Jordan.

Erin was a crush. Mostly because he ripped me out of a black hole that I allowed myself to fall into. But he tore me out of that with a few simple words and I'll always be indebted to him for that. He's the second person to save me from myself.

Kay I'm done.

September 5th, 2011

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What's gone on in the past few months.

Lots of hangouts with old, missed, and lovely friends. I've lost almost 20 pounds. I met a guy who was really nice, but he had history with a girl I've known all my life and it's really dramatic..we kept talking regardless, but things kind of fell off. The best part about him was that he didn't want to jump into a relationship with me any time soon either. So that was cool, but that's done now. 

Ironically I'm happier than I have been in a long, long time and if you would have asked me two..three months ago if I'd say those words I would have laughed at you. But I'm happy, I'm content. I'm glad to have independance. The biggest reason I'm happy to be alone?

I'm joining the Navy. THE NAVY! It's something I've been thinking about for about two years, I didn't do it because the ex had a bad experience with the military..and because I didn't want to be "away" from him. But that's over now, and I'm doing this for me. This is how my life should be..I should be living it for me. It was a good run with him, but I was completely consumed with doing things to make him happy. I loved him, probably always will, but I'm glad things ran their course.

Studying for my asvab's now, scared as hell for the math section though.. Whatever. Idk. I'm super excited, and I feel like my mom has never been prouder of me. 

July 12th, 2011

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"**some of this is random

I'm a nudge, I don't care. I took a minute and thought about what you sent me and I understand. It makes sense. It made sense before and it still does now. But I stand by what I said, I will not lose you. I was talking to Kim(alicia's mom) about it because I was there when I got your email and she said that I need to give you your space, and I'm all for that; as we've talked about before. However, like I previously stated I think you should have told me about this prior to ignoring me for four days and scaring the shit out of me. In light of this situation and a few major things in my life you've missed out on (probably for the better) recently I'm heading back into therapy to work on myself.

On another note, I do love you to death and once you start talking to me again(which I would like to be sooner rather than later so that I can understand a little bit more of what happened)I would like to plan a time for me to come and visit you. I know that at the present that can and more likely than not, does seem ridiculous and a bit overwhelming, but I think it's what needs to happen. Also, since I'm (repeating again) not going to lose you under any circumstances what so ever, because I would go to the edge of the earth for you, and have been thinking about talking to you about this for quite some time but never have had the balls to say anything; I'd like to make a few visits every now and again because when you break it down it's not that expensive for me if I drive (which, like I've stated in previous emails, is totally okay). But I know that planning these things right now isn't sensible.

I may be a little bit more invested in this than you right now, and I understand that. But we do need to clear a lot up once you're ready to talk to me again. I know you're doing what is best for you right now, and I'm so glad you are because you know I want you to be happy more than anything.

Basically what this was is just me saying that I'm here to support you no matter what and that I think once we're talking again we need to plan a time for me to come up and visit you. You're my best friend and I love you with everything that I have, you're the best person I've ever met and you deserve more than anyone I've ever met to be happy with yourself. We're stuck between a rock and a hard place right now but I care about you, and I know you care about me too. Take care of yourself Lucas, keep me updated. Don't go too long without talking to me though please, I want to be there for you. Literally, figuratively, all of the above. I love you for who you are, however you're feeling, however you're acting, however far you are, I love you through it all.

Kisses, talk to you soon Please be careful, no more injuries either.
I love you, I can't stress that enough. I love you."


And that is what I said to you. I guess I just have to wait another week to hear back from you. COOL.

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 "I'm sorry, I feel really bad about not talking to you. I went to see the psych and she said that I need to stop worrying about other people so I can worry about myself. She said that I need to be happy with myself first. Basically everything I already knew. But she also said having a long distance relationship with you is a very bad idea right now because it's very stressful for me. I'm not supposed to talk to you for another week or so but I felt really guilty hence this email. I'm not saying we can't talk or anything like that. But I'm pretty much being forced by parents etc to do what the doc recommends and right now that means taking care of myself first. I know it sucks."


That's what you sent me.

What does that mean? Are we together? Are we not? I'm confused. But it's essentially what I expected.

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 I'm going over Alicia's and I'm going to sit at the kitchen table with Kim and talk to her because I feel like I have nowhere else to turn and I'm getting dangerously close to doing it.

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Flipping it back and forth in my hand, letting it press violently into my palm. Not drawing blood, just feeling the danger of it, knowing what it could do. I want to, I'm craving it. My wrists are aching. I know it would only take a second, all I have to do is push and drag. It would be a release like nothing I've felt in years, followed by immense guilt causing me to do it again. I don't want to, but I do.

It's really hard to refrain from doing it, I'm thinking one tiny little scrape will be alright. But I know that's not true. 

This is fucking ridiculous I'm losing my mind. I love you, you tell me you love me. But what the hell Luke? Way to ignore me for 4-5 days so far, really, that's a great way to show you care.

Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Why are you doing this?
I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again and I'm just not getting any answers. At this point I just don't even know if you're going to talk to me at all again. I guess you're just tired of me or something. 



I'm paranoid. This paranoia stems from being ignored. I want to cut so badly. I'm scared that I'll cave in. I need you so much right now and I have for the past few days and you're just not around for me at all. 

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 I literally can't be alone. I woke up this morning and left my house right away and went to my moms friends so I could be around people. I just came home and it's like the second I'm alone I start to freak out. I want to so badly, it's right under my mattress and it would be so easy. I'm lonely, scared, worried, upset, angry, every negative adjective you could think of..that's how I'm feeling. It's not fun. Last night was bad. Up until 4am last night crying, rocking back and forth, and scratching up my arms and legs to avoid doing the unforgivable. Last night was the worst it's been so far. Last night was your fault. I never thought I would place blame for something like that on you, but there it is. You just threw me away like a piece of garbage, you of all people. Do I have a boyfriend right now? I don't even know. If I say yes, do I sound stupid? I can't even talk to anyone about this because it's embarrassing to admit that you're showing absolutely no sign that you acknowledge my existence at all. I've begged and pleaded for about 4 days now for you to respond to me somehow, get in touch with me somehow. Nothing. I'm not going to beg anymore, I'm not going to lower myself to that place anymore. I love you to death but what you're doing to me and putting me through right now is completely unfair.


So now that I'm sitting here completely freaking out again I'm scratching my arms, squeezing at my throat, and slamming against the wall. What the fuck is happening to me. I haven't been this way since he-who-must-not-be-named did what he did. That was of course a thousand times worse, but still. I'm scared.

Fuck you, you know. Just fuck you. I wouldn't usually say that to you but this is the right time. Fuck you. You don't have any fucking idea what you're doing to me and it's just fucking ridiculous and completely careless.

Do you even care? FUCK.

July 11th, 2011

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 sitting here topless playing terraria and watching teen wolf(the mtv one - which is horrible), because it's like 900 degrees in my room, esp. with my laptop making my bed 90 degrees hotter. i want some pizza and mozz sticks. my mom just pulled up to the house (11:18pm) with the radio exceedingly loud..if i did that she'd kill me.


YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN IN TOUCH WITH ME. fuck it.
Would you uproot your life and move to another city for someone that you love?

At this point I'm about to pack up and go in like two days if I don't hear from him because I'm really fucking worried and scared that something has gone wrong.

Yes, I'd do it in a heart beat.

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 I just sit here and every few seconds, or every few minutes I find myself drifting and looking at my phone. I think that the light is lighting up on it, but it is not. Waiting for a phone call or an email or .. something that I'm not sure I'm going to get. It's making me feel like you just want nothing to do with me and you just didn't want to tell me so you didn't have to deal with my hysterics and instead you're just ignoring me. I know I'm probably being irrational but why are you putting me through this? This is not making sense to me. It's not fair.

I've done everything I can do to get a response from you and still I've gotten nothing. I've sent emails, g-chats, and sent you things over steam; nothing. I don't understand, I really just do not. I just want to hear from you so I know that you're okay. I don't think you fully understand just how much I worry about you, and when you pull shit like this it's so much worse. If I ever did this and didn't talk to you for four days you'd be absolutely PISSED at me, things would be scary bad. I'm going to say right now that I'm done trying to make contact with you, but I know as soon as 10, 11, 12 rolls around tonight I'll be typing up another email, and it'll be filled with more worry and agitation than the previous nights have been. Maybe if you read them you'd be like "oh, shit, I'm in the wrong here. MAYBE I should call my GIRLFRIEND somehow and let her know what I'm up to and whether or not I'm okay". 

Things have really changed.
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